M, 26
Trigger Warning: The following story contains a personal account of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. These topics may be distressing or triggering for some readers. Please consider your readiness to read before continuing and contact services if you need to:
Lifeline: 13 11 14 – 24hrs/7 days per week
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 – 24hrs/7 days per week
External Pressure & Internal Pain
Danny* grew up in a strict home environment. His earliest memories of mental health difficulties and suicidal thoughts were around the age of 11. He would often lock himself in his bedroom when he was in distress.
“I would smash my head against the wall repeatedly… It was an emotional outlet.
I didn’t tell people what I was doing. I might have shown signs that I was depressed, but I was [self-harming] in secret.”
However, the origins of Danny’s mental health difficulties were unclear to him.
“I was never really bullied in school, I did okay with my grades… I don’t know why I was depressed at such a young age.”
One thing Danny can identify is that there has always been family pressure to succeed academically and professionally.
“A lot of my cousins are doctors and surgeons… I guess I had that pressure growing up that everyone else in the family was really successful, so I had to be successful.”
The strict home environment was compounded by feelings of low self-esteem and insecurities related to his weight.
“My self-esteem was low for a long time.
I’d been overweight for a long time [and I didn’t really] fit in with friendship groups.
[My weight] has always affected me to some extent. I’ve tried lots of different diets and I’m still trying to reduce my weight.
It wasn’t the main reason for my depression, but it played a part in it.”
Danny’s weight also attracted bullying at school.
“Kids at school would tease me about it. I’d get in fights at school… and at footy games the opposition would pay me out about [my weight].
I thought I took it well at the time but looking back I probably didn’t.”
High School & Early Adulthood
Looking back, Danny can see that his parents just wanted the best for him, but at the time, home life felt very restrictive.
“I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends sometimes, I wasn’t allowed to go to parties in my late teens and high school.
I was getting tutoring 4-5 days a week in Year 12. At the time, it seemed rough. But looking back, it helped me get into my career.”
Danny was also very hard on himself if he were to make mistakes in social situations.
“When I was lying in bed at night, I was overthinking things.
I always thought I was doing something wrong or saying something wrong.
If I did or said something stupid, I’d be thinking about what I said or did that I should’ve done differently.
It [still happens] now, but my medication helps me [these days].”
Danny also felt determined to say and do the right thing to impress women.
“When I was clubbing in my later teens it was all about, ‘I should have said this to that girl [because] I might have gone home with her.’”
Getting Help
Danny’s parents realised that he needed mental health support when his self-harm was becoming more intense and varied in method.
“When I was around 14 or 15, I was sitting in bed and my mum was sitting in bed with me. I told her [I’d been self-harming].
My parents realised something was wrong… so they forced me to go to the doctor’s.
I was crying a lot [at that time].”
Danny’s doctor gave him a Mental Health Care Plan, which provides 6-10 government-subsided sessions with a Psychologist. He also prescribed Danny his first of many antidepressants.
Mental Health Care Plan in hand, the doctor’s appointment led to Danny’s first interaction with a Psychologist. Danny’s first experience with a Psychologist was not one that he looks back on fondly.
“I really didn’t gel [with him]. It didn’t really [improve anything].
Mum would drop me off, I’d tell [the psychologist] what he wanted to hear for an hour and then I would leave feeling no better or worse.”
It wasn’t long before Danny stopped going to those sessions, feeling the same as before he’d started them.
“I saw the [first] Psychologist for about six months, and then I shut down again.
I wouldn’t tell my mum about what I was going through.
I kept quiet and was suffering in silence for a few years.”
Closed for Business
When Danny was given his first antidepressant, he wasn’t having regular or even semi-regular check-ins with his GP.
“I was put on the starting dose by the GP… but it was sort of, ‘take this dose’ and that was it.”
He didn’t feel the medication was making much of a difference, but he also wasn’t really letting the GP in on how he was feeling, which made it hard for the doctor to help.
Danny didn’t want to be there and was saying what he thought the doctor and psychologist wanted to hear to make the appointments stop.
“At that stage, I wasn’t really truthful to the doctors and psychologist about how I was feeling.
I would lie to the psychologist and tell him that I agreed with everything he was saying just to get out of there as quickly as I could.”
Looking back, Danny doesn’t blame the psychologist for not being able to help at the time. He can see now that he needed to be more honest to be helped.
“It wasn’t up to the psychologist to do something different. It was up to me.
I should have found a psychologist that I did get along with because [working with my current psychologist] I have been super honest, trusted him, listened to him…
It was more about finding the right person that I was willing to open up to.”
Quietly Suffering
While Danny was telling the doctor and psychologist what he thought they wanted to hear, it wasn’t helping at all.
“Every night while I was trying to sleep, I was thinking about different ways to kill myself.”
While Danny was unhappy, he was not angry at others or the world about it. It was his negative self-talk and low self-worth that was running rampant.
“I never really blamed others for how I was feeling. I only blamed myself.
It was all, ‘I’m not cut out for this world, I’m not going to be a good person, I’m not going to be successful, I’m not going to get a girlfriend/get married/have kids.”
Danny had this constant internal monologue, but he was still putting on a façade.
“I was putting on a brave face so people didn’t know I was hurting.
I was trying to play things off as if nothing was wrong.”
Something Has To Give
Danny was in his late teens when he finally told the truth about how he was feeling. This was a turning point for getting help that put Danny on the path to recovery.
“I [finally] told Mum how I was feeling and what was going through my head.
I was pretty honest about [my suicidal thoughts].”
Realising the severity of Danny’s mental health distress, Danny’s GP tried putting him on a new medication and referred him to a Psychiatrist; something that is done when the first-line treatments (lifestyle changes, psychology, basic antidepressants) are not getting the desired results on their own.
The psychiatrist was part of a state government community mental health service. Referrals are typically made to community mental health services when people’s mental health conditions are on the more complex or severe end of the spectrum. One benefit of community mental health is that the public psychiatrist support is free, which is a huge help given how expensive private psychiatry appointments are.
“I had started seeing the psychiatrist twice per week, and I was seeing my GP regularly too.”
We Are Family
While Danny was finally getting his mental health treated, his brother was getting married, which Danny really struggled with. He didn’t think they were right for each other.
“I told my psychiatrist that there was no way I was going to the wedding and that I would [end my life] before the wedding day.
I told my psychiatrist, ‘Thanks for the help but that’s me done.”
Reflecting back to Danny that this response sounded extreme in proportion to the situation, he noted that it didn’t feel extreme at the time.
“[Ending my life] felt like a normal idea to me.”
Danny remembers inpatient treatment (staying overnight on a mental health ward) was discussed but Danny was strongly against it.
“I just refused. I didn’t want people knowing I was in a mental health hospital.”
The thoughts and plans Danny expressed triggered an intensive mental health treatment response via a program called ‘Hospital in the Home.’ Mental health staff visited Danny every day for a week.
“That honestly saved my life. 100%.”
After being intent on ending his life before the wedding, it was a bizarre turnaround for Danny to have actually enjoyed himself.
“I remember really enjoying myself at the wedding. I had an amazing time. It’s crazy to think about the fact I might not have been there.”
A key to Danny having the day go better than expected was being able to get out of his own head.
“I didn’t have time to stop, think or break down. I was the best man, so I was busy. I did a speech, I was dancing… I was actually pretty good mentally that day.”
Crashing Down
Danny was starting to sense that his mental health was improving.
“I started opening up and being more honest to the mental health team.
I would talk to them about everything.
Looking back, it was a positive experience; they kept me alive.”
Danny’s medication regime changed to include stronger medication, which he feels was necessary at the time. Asking him if the medications were working well at this point, Danny felt the results were mixed.
“There was some benefit… There were still a few times that I felt suicidal.”
Just as Danny thought things were finally improving, a perfect storm hit. Danny was on the come down from a substance fuelled evening the night before, while reeling from an awkward sexual encounter and a massive argument with his parents that seemed to arise out of nowhere. This is when Danny made a pivotal decision.
“I thought ‘fuck it, I’m getting in my car and I’m going to race it through the hills.
I didn’t even have shoes on… I drove up the freeway, took a bunch of random turns, and was probably flying around this corner at 100km/h.
I hit a cliff face and rolled the car over three times.”
Danny had saved up for several years to buy his dream car and it was a write off.
In a split second, Danny’s suicidal thoughts were back in full force.
“I told the paramedics, ‘this is the end of me, I’m not living through this. My car means everything to me.
I didn’t know how I was going to tell my aunties and uncles that the car I’d been talking about for so long was gone.
People at work were asking where the car had gone, and I didn’t know how to tell them.”
Staying in Hospital
Danny was taken to hospital via ambulance and cleared of any physical injuries and any substances in his system.
“They drug tested me in hospital and I didn’t come up positive for anything they test for. I blew 0% [blood alcohol] when they tested me too.”
He may have escaped physically, but mentally it was one of the lowest points of Danny’s life.
Danny was placed under an Inpatient Treatment Order (IPO) in an acute mental health ward. An IPO is where the patient is legally obligated to stay at the hospital for a set length of time.
“I was so depressed.
I had no physical injuries, but they kept me in the psych ward for a week.
I didn’t want to be there.”
Danny was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD tends to manifest in unstable relationships, impulsivity, self-harm, suicidality, and difficulties with controlling extreme moods.
While staying in the inpatient mental health ward, Danny was still acutely suicidal. Certain items were confiscated for Danny’s safety.
Danny was staying in an open ward, meaning he could come and go freely between his bedroom and the communal spaces on the ward.
“They wanted our bedroom doors open during the day, and they wanted us to eat our meals in the communal area.
There was also arts and crafts, but I wasn’t in the mood for it. I only joined in with that stuff towards the end.”
The experience of an inpatient mental health ward admission was a surreal experience for Danny.
“It was pretty interesting to see what a psych ward was like.
They had designed the doors so you couldn’t use them to [end your life]. The bathroom doors could be opened from both sides.
I pulled down on the bathroom door once and the whole thing collapsed, which it was designed to do [for safety reasons].
Everything was angled down so you couldn’t tie anything onto doors and stuff.”
One of Danny’s main concerns was being recognised by someone he knew.
“I didn’t want anyone there to recognise me. Nor did I want to get to know anyone else who was staying there.
I worked in a hospital too, so I was worried about staff recognising me and then telling my friends, family or colleagues.”
Whilst he didn’t get recognised by anyone, something else transpired that Danny wasn’t thrilled about.
“My psychiatrist wrote a letter to my workplace stating that I was struggling with my mental health and drug abuse.
It was shit that my psychiatrist sent that without my permission.”
When Danny got back to work, his manager pulled him aside and said she’d received the letter. While he wishes the letter was never sent, Danny was grateful for how his manager handled the situation.
“My manager took it really well… She said she’d keep it confidential, which I’m pretty sure she did, and she was really good about it all.”
After his inpatient admission, Danny was again discharged into the care of the ‘Hospital in the Home’ service.
A Wake-Up Call
The car accident also made Danny realise just how much he was drinking and drugging.
“I would go out and drink as much as I could because I thought that was how I’d have the most fun… that’s how I’d forget about all the mental health stuff… that’s how I’d be confident… that’s how I’d talk to girls.
I got diagnosed with alcohol use disorder. I’d have 30 cans in a night, or a whole bottle of scotch or vodka… It was way over the top. But [at the time] I didn’t think much of it, I just thought I was a normal 19- or 20-year-old.”
Danny was using large quantities of alcohol at the same time as other substances, too.
“It was the same with the MDMA and the cocaine… It was all about changing who I was for the night and being a different person.
It was a good feeling [at the time]. It was nice not having to care what I was doing or saying.
I could always fall back on the excuse that I was on drugs.”
While it felt good at the time, Danny was borrowing happiness from tomorrow. Sometimes Danny would call in sick for work or not go to university.
“Each time I used drugs, I was really depressed for the next two days. Especially after using MDMA.
I’d have really bad comedowns… I’d stay in my room and not want to go to work or university.”
Danny was referred to a public drug and alcohol service by his psychiatrist. Unfortunately, Danny didn’t have a good experience there.
“The psychologist was really judgemental, so I didn’t get along with him well.
The psychologist would say things like, ‘How can you drink that much and be standing? Or ‘That’s crazy, how could you do that to yourself?’”
Danny also felt as though the drug and alcohol psychologist didn’t understand the mental health side of things.
“[The psychologist] just thought that I was drinking for fun.”
After two sessions, Danny provided some honest feedback to the psychologist.
“I saw him twice and then told him, ‘I feel like you’re judging me and I’m not getting any benefit from this.”
Danny never returned to the drug and alcohol psychologist after that.
Shape up or Ship out
Eventually, Danny’s psychiatrist from community mental health gave him an ultimatum: drop the drug use or give up psychiatry treatment. She wanted Danny to take accountability for his mental health.
“She told me if I used illicit drugs that she wouldn’t see me again.
[After that] I would still drink on weekends, but I wasn’t going as hard as I was before.
I stopped using drugs for 2 years.”
While the illicit drug use had stopped, Danny’s psychiatrist had prescribed 6-7 different psychotropic medications to take every day.
“I was on antidepressants, antipsychotics, insomnia medication, things to stop me craving drugs…
The medication to help with drug cravings did nothing, but most of the other medications helped a lot.”
Danny also finally found a psychologist that he actually liked and started weekly talk therapy sessions.
“I got along with [that psychologist] really well. I was honest with him, and he really listened to what I was saying.
[The psychologist] was sneaking me in wherever he could because he was booked out for a while.”
The new psychologist attributed much of Danny’s suffering to brain chemistry. While the chemical imbalance theory attracts much debate, it helped Danny to make sense of his suffering.
“[The psychologist] said it was an imbalance of chemicals in my brain… Treat it like you’d treat a broken arm.”
Finally with an explanation that helped make sense of his suffering, things started looking up.
“That’s when I started thinking, ‘I want to treat this… I want to make this better… I want to stop having these thoughts.”
Because the anti-insomnia medication helped him fall asleep earlier in the evenings, he was also no longer staying awake late into the evenings with suicidal thoughts.
Gaining Stability
For Danny, getting well was a team effort involving both professional help and increased openness with his family.
“It was a combination of my psychologist, my psychiatrist, my GP and my medication.
I started being really honest with my family.
My aunty is a GP, and I started being really honest with her too. She made an effort to have me around for dinners every week and was really looking out for me.”
Life Nowadays
These days, Danny has noticed that his mental health doesn’t fluctuate as much. Danny’s psychiatrist also taught him something called cognitive defusion, which helped to reduce his suicidal thoughts by being more detached from them.
Danny also learned techniques from an approach called Dialetical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), which is one of the main treatment approaches for people like Danny who are diagnosed with BPD.
“Now I’m able to realise that I still have so much life to live and so many things to experience.”
Given the chronicity and severity of Danny’s suicidality and mental health symptoms, Danny can’t really believe that he’s still here.
After more than 10 years of battling mental health difficulties, Danny is no longer suicidal, and his mental health is completely different.
“I didn’t think I’d make it to getting my license, I didn’t think I’d make it to my school [camp], I didn’t think I’d make it to [18 years old], I didn’t think I’d ever lose my virginity.
I just thought the day would come where I’d [end my own life] and that would be the end of it.”
Danny’s ability to recover from the lowest of lows demonstrates the danger of suicidal thinking. It plays tricks on us and tells us that things will never improve. Now, Danny can see this isn’t true.
“It’s scary how close I was to not being around anymore.
I wouldn’t have gotten to do all the cool things I’m doing now.”
Danny has been able to open up to a lot of people about his mental health and has never felt judged for his experiences or diagnoses.
“When I started being more open and honest about my mental health difficulties and seeing that my friends were supporting me and not judging me, it was very eye-opening and really cool.”
He’s also been able to steadily taper his medication down from 6-7 per day to 1.5 tablets per day with his GP.
He stopped needing to see the psychiatrist about 3 years ago and stopped needing the psychologist about 2 years ago.
“It felt amazing that I didn’t need to see the psychiatrist anymore.
Then the psychologist said to me, ‘I think you’re doing really well… I don’t think I need to see you anymore.’
It made me really realise how amazing it was to go from that place I was in, to not even needing a psychologist anymore.”
Danny’s outlook is pretty different now.
“I’d wouldn’t even say I’m depressed anymore. I get down now and then, but I wouldn’t say I’m depressed.
I feel a million times better now compared to how I felt in my worst moments.
My GP, psychologist, psychiatrist, hospital in the home team, girlfriend, friends and family are to thank for that.”
Danny has had the same GP since the very start of his difficulties around 15 years ago. He is very grateful to have found the GP that he did.
“I love my GP. I trust him.”
Danny’s goal is to eventually be off psychotropic medication entirely, but he’s willing to go slowly to protect his wellbeing.
He also has a message for others who may be experiencing mental health difficulties or suicidal thoughts.
“Back in the day you couldn’t have told me that these feelings would pass.
But, if you get the right treatment and you listen to the people that are trying to help you, you can fully recover.”
