ON BEING HUMAN.

M, 26

Trigger Warning: The following story contains themes of suicide. Please consider your readiness to read before continuing and contact services if you need to:

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Anxiety – The Mental & The Physical

Noah* describes his early childhood years as being rather uneventful. In fact, looking back on it now, Noah thinks that during his early years he was the “happiest that he could possibly be.” The first time he ever felt as though something wasn’t right was playing club football at the age of 8. Noah’s football coach had an aggressive demeanour, which slowly made him increasingly anxious to attend trainings and matches. This anxiety began to manifest physically, too.

“It caused me to have so much anxiety that I had bowel problems. I would go to footy and feel sick.”

Later that season, the anxiety led Noah to quit playing football. Sport had been a fun outlet for him, so his mum was confused. Eventually, she realised that Noah was scared of the coach. However, this was only the beginning of the link between Noah’s feelings of anxiety and his gastrointestinal issues.

“At school camp [in grade 6], I remember feeling so sick that I told the teachers I had thrown up, but I hadn’t.

I couldn’t say… I had anxiety.”

Noah doesn’t attribute this feeling of anxiety to one major cause. It came from things such as feeling homesick or doubting his own abilities.

At around this time, Noah was also diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), which causes changes to bowel movements and stomach pain. IBS and anxiety can be interconnected, and anxiety can often exacerbate IBS symptoms.

Noah had to adjust to living with a chronic condition and making dietary changes. Even after making these changes and returning to sport, Noah avoided eating before football games to avoid making his symptoms worse.

High School

The next time Noah can remember experiencing any mental health difficulties was around the age of 14. His friends had started showing an interest in, and talking about, girls.

“I didn’t have much interest in that, and I was sort of left on the outer because I wasn’t able to talk about those [experiences] and I didn’t know any [girls].

It forced me out of that [friendship] group and into a limbo where I didn’t have many friends.

I remember feeling sad… and going from doing something every weekend [with friends] to having no one to talk to or do something on the weekend with.”

This sadness and isolation were compounded by Noah’s best friend changing schools. While he had other friends, his best friend wasn’t around every day anymore. Not only that, Noah’s dad started working regionally during the week, and then internationally for up to 6 months at a time. Looking back, Noah doesn’t think anyone saw the signs of his depressive symptoms.

“I don’t blame my parents because I don’t think it was something their generation was educated [about], but we never really spoke about feelings, and we still don’t do it a lot.”

In his final years of high school, Noah was sustaining regular sporting injuries, which stopped him from training and playing football. This removed his main outlet for enjoyment and physical activity. While his body not holding up physically, he also noticed that his hair colour seemed to garner a fair bit of attention.

“I was teased a lot as a kid because of my hair. But it was weird because [my dad] knew this was going to be a problem, so he would tease me about my hair and get my brother to do it too.

[That way] by the time I was old enough for school, it didn’t really phase me.

It was his way of [teaching me that] names won’t hurt you.”

When asking Noah to reflect on his thoughts about his Dad’s approach and his own feelings about his hair, he had mixed feelings.

“It was brutal as a child going through it, but at the same time I think it helped a lot. There were probably better ways to go about it, but it kind of worked.

I was never dissatisfied with my hair, it was a part of what made me, me.”

Even now, people will still drive down the street and yell out of the car, commenting on Noah’s red hair. Not all of the comments are negative.

“People will come up to me and say, ‘I love your hair, is it natural?’

It’s a nice thing, but sometimes I don’t want to be seen, or I want to be left alone.”

While his hair was the main physical attribute that others noticed, he wasn’t concerned about it. His main worry regarding his appearance was about his weight.

“I’ve never been able to control what I eat, really.

[Because of my weight] I was never confident in myself, which is probably why I didn’t talk to girls to begin with.”

Getting support from a mental health professional was not on Noah’s radar at this point.

“I didn’t really talk about my feelings to anyone. Even my parents, I didn’t really say anything.

I don’t think anyone knew… I don’t think I even properly knew what was going on.”

The Assault

The next time Noah remembers struggling mentally was around the age of 18. Noah was physically assaulted on a night out with his friends. He barely remembers the exchange of words with the perpetrator the week before the attack but recalls a brief interaction where the perpetrator asked him for a lighter and he didn’t have one.

A week later while Noah was at a pub with some friends, the perpetrator spotted him, jumped out of a car, punched Noah in the face and ran off. He sustained a broken nose and a concussion and was now dealing with a startle response that had been kicked into overdrive.

“I remember being a lot jumpier after [the attack].

I remember [a guy] coming out of a bathroom once and I jumped so much that he asked if I was okay.”

The assault also effected Noah’s fight, flight or freeze response, which was a big adjustment, having always identified as ‘the big guy’ in school.

“I remember the first time I saw a fight after [the assault] and some guy was being attacked, but I couldn’t bring myself to go over there.

It was something I was deeply ashamed of.”

Noah became more cautious of others acting unpredictably, as opposed to his brain trusting that most people were safe.

Losing Brian

Despite experiencing some sadness and anxiety previously, nothing could prepare Noah for the emotional pain of losing one of his best friends to suicide. To this day, Noah believes it is the most difficult thing he has ever experienced.

“It wasn’t just the suicide thing and losing a best friend, it was [also] the trail that was left behind.”

Noah met his friend Brian* around the beginning of high school, but they only became close around grade 9 or 10 during English class.

When asking Noah to reflect on whether there were early signs of Brian experiencing mental health difficulties, he couldn’t think of any.

“I don’t know whether I was blind to it because I hadn’t been through it before, but I don’t think he gave anything away. He was always happy around people. I don’t think I ever saw him cry.

He never spoke much about his home life.”

Three days before Brian died by suicide, Noah received a phone call from Brian at 3am in the morning.

“I answered the phone and asked him ‘what’s up’. And he was like, ‘Oh, you actually answered.

He then apologised. I asked if he was all good, and he said, ‘yeah I’m all good’ and sort of hung up.

I remember going back to bed and thinking nothing of it.”

On the day that Brian died, Noah woke up to six missed calls from various friends. Eventually, he spoke with one of his closest friends, who informed him of Brian’s death.

“It was pretty distressing, the only thing I could think of doing was going and hugging my brother because he was home at the time.”

I remember crying a lot, calling mum… Mum came home from work, and everyone started coming over in dribs and drabs.”

Noah’s house became a meeting place for all of Brian’s friends to be together and process what had occurred.

Brian’s death made Noah analyse past occurrences from a whole different perspective.

“[Brian’s] 20^th birthday was a few weeks later, and the title of the [Facebook event] was ’20 years too long.’

Looking back, that was obviously a sign, but you’d never pick it because that was normal [for Brian].

There were 80 people [in the Facebook event] and no one blinked about it.”

The Days After

Brian’s parents had organised the funeral for three days’ time. They had requested that three of Brian’s friends speak at the funeral, including Noah.

“I couldn’t think about anything else for those three days. I remember thinking, ‘what am I meant to say.’

I’d been to a funeral before, but I was like 2 or 3 [years old].”

The funeral itself was an exceptionally hard time. He still remembers the sound of Brian’s mother crying. After the funeral, Noah and his friends spent time with one another, supporting each other through the grief.

Noah still often reflects on what he said and what he would have done differently. Thankfully, Noah is able to be kind to himself about this.

“I was what… 18 or 19 [years old], processing these emotions that I didn’t understand, while also having to write something.

[Looking back] I’m not disappointed in myself at all… I think it was hard thing to do. But I do wish I could do it again and say things better.”

Seeking Support

After Brian’s death, both Noah and his family thought it would be a good idea for Noah to see a psychologist for the first time in his life.

“I remember it being frustrating… I wanted to go and see someone, but it took 3 or 4 months to get in somewhere.”

Fortunately, Noah’s mother was able to coordinate his referral and eventually get the appointment set up.

The psychologist helped him to process his thoughts and emotions about Brian’s death. They also helped Noah to process his other difficult life experiences.

“It felt good to talk about things with someone and have someone listen.

It also got me talking about a lot of other things in my life that I wasn’t noticing.

[The psychologist] said to me, ‘you’ve got a lot going on here at the moment. It’s not just the loss of a friend… of course that’s a part of it, but you’ve also got this trauma from being hit in the face, these body image issues, your dad being away a lot.

I never thought about [these things] as a problem [until then], I just thought of them as things I was going through.”

After five sessions, Noah ceased therapy.

“In hindsight it was probably a short time… If I stuck around, I may have benefited some more.”         

The Job Of My Dreams… Right?

Fast forward a few years and Noah had completed a viticulture degree at university and landed the job of he’d “always dreamed of getting” – a job in a graduate program for one of the largest and most reputable wine producers in the country.

“I remember starting it and after the first two weeks being like… what the fuck am I doing?”

Despite feeling “pretty depressed”, Noah pushed through the first six months of this job. It wasn’t all bad – Noah had also moved out of home with his girlfriend Emma*, which he loved. In the meantime, Noah tried seeing another psychologist to help deal with the work stuff. This time, he had a better experience.

“I think [seeing a psychologist the second time] was much better. I don’t know if it was because I was more mature and understanding, but it did help a lot.

I still find it hard to describe how a psychologist helps, other than being someone who can listen and give you a different perspective on your life.

I remember her saying to me, ‘you are going through more than most other 19- or 20-year-olds… Whether that was true or not, it helped.”

After seeing that psychologist a few times, Noah had to stop therapy as the graduate program required him to move to Penola, about four hours south-east of Adelaide. Thoughts started creeping into Noah’s mind that he couldn’t sustain that job the long-haul, but he felt “trapped.”

“It made [my mental health] ten times worse because I had no home life, I was completely alone, doing a job I hated.

I would drive four hours each way every weekend to see Emma.

I was so tired. I was going through vintage at the time, doing 12-14 hour night shifts, and then driving an hour back to [my accommodation].

I remember crying myself to sleep some nights because I was so lonely.”

The sadness and loneliness that Noah was experiencing was compounded by the fact that he probably knew he needed mental health support, but he was in a country area where he couldn’t just go to the doctors for a referral or go to the psychologist around the corner.

While online therapy platforms and telehealth have become more available since COVID, depressive symptoms exacerbate any existing barriers to seeking support, as everything already feels like an effort, and you have little energy to persevere.

“I could do online stuff, but it was so hard to organise because I was so tired.

I would have had to have taken time off work and driven two hours to go and see a doctor.”

Another classic sign of depression were the thoughts Noah had of feeling like his struggles were a burden to Emma.

“[Emma] was enjoying her work and her home life, [so] there was a lot of guilt.

Every time I called her it was about something sad, or [saying something like], ‘I hate it here, I want to leave.’”

The chronic feeling of loneliness that Noah had felt when he was a teen had returned.

“[I went from] feeling isolated as a kid, to actually being isolated. I missed out on a lot of events.”

Still wrestling with the realisation that the job of his dreams was not all it cracked up to be, Noah’s six months at Penola concluded, and he had to move even further away to Mildura. Noah wanted to quit so badly but was trying hard to persevere. He had spoken with the company’s human resources department about trying to get into a different part of the business such as marketing, but they were reluctant.

“They were like, it’s pretty competitive and you don’t have any experience in [marketing] so probably not.”

While Penola was hard, Noah found some comfort in the beauty of the place.

“Penola is a lovely part of the world. It’s a lovely little country town. The place I was staying had a beautiful view of the vineyards.

Mildura was much less beautiful. The view from the house I was living in was very industrial, it wasn’t very natural.”

Noah went to Mildura after COVID had taken full force. Australia had been hit hard by Chinese tariffs on Australian wine, which was their main overseas market. The continual strain of these tariffs on the ability to sell their wine overseas had the industry on its knees, and Noah was a key contact for grape producers in the area.

Noah was still only 20 years old and new to the industry when he was tasked with informing the grape producers in the region that they were losing their livelihoods.

“I was having to go to growers in the area and tell them we weren’t going to take their grapes.

The growers were saying to me, ‘What are we meant to do? How are we meant to feed our families?’”

After a week in Mildura, things reached a boiling point.

“I cried more than I’d ever cried before. I quickly realised, ‘I can’t do this.’

It was that re-occurring feeling of loneliness that I’d had throughout my life.

It was the only time I tried self-harm, and I remember thinking, ‘what the fuck am I doing? I need to get out.’

The next day, I resigned.”

Moving to the Big Smoke

While Noah was working away, Emma decided to accept a promotion in Sydney. The prospect of no longer being able to drive home and see Emma was daunting.

“We were going from being five or six hours away from each other to not being able to travel to each other at all.

As good as we are, it was almost a make-or-break moment for our relationship.”

Now that Noah had resigned from his viticulture job, Noah had decided he wanted to try his hand at digital marketing.

“Throughout my schooling, I had maintained that ability to do graphic design.

I still don’t think of myself as a graphic designer, but I always did photography, and I was getting into videography.

I’d always loved my camera but hadn’t seen it as a way to make money.

Growing up, your parents never consider that you might become a videographer as a job. Plus, content creation didn’t really exist as a job five years ago.

The good thing about being in Penola was that [because] no one was around, I would come home from work and spend four hours videoing and editing, trying to make myself better.”

He dove headfirst into online courses and began applying for jobs in Sydney so that he could move across with Emma. Eventually, he decided to move anyway and keep applying for jobs once he got there. Within 2-3 weeks, Noah landed a job a marketing job. While it was his first job in a new field, Noah maintained his belief that he could do it.

“I knew I could do it. I knew how bad I was in [my previous job] mentally and that I had to make this work.

[I knew] if I could go through the bad times of working away, I could do this.”

These Days…

Having settled into his new career, Noah now realises that for him, work is more than just an income.

“Some people have that ability to be like, ‘work is work’ and they’re happy with that, but I’m not that person.”

Noah still misses home but is buoyed by being reunited with Emma.

“Having Emma here who is like my family now and having a job that is better than daytime TV is a big win for me.”

Emma has been Noah’s constant throughout everything – losing Brian, working away, and now creating a new life in Sydney together. Recently, they got engaged.

On the mental health front, Noah is going pretty well.

“I think mentally I’m pretty good at the moment. I still have moments, and I know it won’t ever go away. Coming to terms with that has been a good thing.

I have no doubt in my life that at some point I’ll need to go back to a psychologist to talk through things.”

Going through mental health difficulties has also made Noah more attuned to when other people may be struggling.

“I think I’ve become hyper-aware of other people [struggling] as well.

Sometimes it may come across as over-protective. I’ve had friends go through problems and have sometimes felt angry when they’re not doing something to help themselves.

[But] if Emma’s going through something, I can tell a lot easier.”

While Noah feels better equipped to spot the signs in others, managing his own mental health is still something he is improving at.

“I’m still not the best at understanding what’s going on in my own brain. I know when I’m sad or depressed. Sadness is brief, but depression lingers.

[However], I’m still not the best at describing my emotions or communicating how I feel.”

Reflecting on his experiences, the importance of being surrounded by quality relationships is what sticks out to Noah.

“The people you surround yourself with is everything in life.”