ON BEING HUMAN.

M, 27

Trigger Warning: The following story contains themes of suicide and weight loss. Please consider your readiness to read before continuing and contact services if you need to:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 – 24hrs/7 days per week

Support for Eating Disorders & Body Image: https://butterfly.org.au/

School Bullying

When reflecting on his upbringing, Michael* describes himself as lucky. His parents remained together, and he describes a “very big house, in a big, loving family, with many siblings.”

“Growing up, everything was amazing.”

The first time Michael came to witness mental health distress was in the context of his brother’s bullying at school.

“[He was bullied] from Year 7 onwards.

I probably didn’t make sense of it until I was that age [myself].

[The bullying continued] from 13 years old to 19 years old, so for him, it was pretty torturous.”

Michael experienced his own bullying in middle school too, which centred around his weight. Michael would then feel upset about the bullying and go home and eat to cope with his emotions.

“I was about 125kg in Year 8, which obviously wasn’t healthy at all.”

There was one particular incident he remembers that caused him a lot of distress.

“There was a kid in the year above… he had no reason to abuse me, but he did.

One day he got into my laptop… he deleted all my files and changed all my wallpapers to pornography… He ripped all the keys off the keyboard.

It was really embarrassing having people watch me try to handle the situation.

I had a big breakdown after that happened.

I called Dad and said, ‘Get me out of this school, I can’t do it anymore.’”

It wasn’t just the public embarrassment that impacted Michael, it was also the way the incident affected his confidence.

“The thing that pissed me off and still pisses me off now is that [the bullying] took me out of two sports that I really loved doing because the bullying came from other people who played those sports.

Being a water polo player doesn’t go well [with bullying about weight], especially if you’re self-conscious… you can’t play water polo with a shirt on.

I’m much more comfortable with my body now than I was then, so I’m trying to get back into it. ”

Michael’s experience of bullying also led to some important realisations about his own actions.

“It took me being bullied to realise I was bullying people or picking on people.

A lot of that was probably because I was projecting feelings that were caused by being abused by other people.

The bullies bully because they get bullied.”

Since then, Michael has tried to reconcile with those he hurt.

“Later in life, I’ve seen the kids that I didn’t treat very well, and I’ve apologised.

It probably means nothing to them, hopefully for one of them it means something… But it can never take back how terrible I must have made these kids feel.

It took me being bullied to realise it was a terrible thing to do. It can cause insecurities, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

If I could go back, I certainly wouldn’t have said some things to certain people.”

Michael feels fortunate that the severity of his bullying was somewhat offset by a supportive group of friends.

“If I didn’t have the friends I had then, I don’t know how I would have managed.”

Michael feels his brother was less fortunate in this regard.

“I think the reason my brother couldn’t manage was because he didn’t have the same support from mates that I had.

I didn’t care [about my own bullying] because I could see how badly my brother was going. My bullying was less serious… less painful.

My parents didn’t care about my bullying as much either, because it was so much less serious than what my brother was going through.”

When Michael started university, he moved out of his parents’ house with his older brother.

“That’s when I saw his self-harm and realised the extent of what was going on for [my brother].

I would see him walking around in a t-shirt with hundreds of scars and burns.”

University

Michael looks back on his time at university fondly.

“It was the rebound from having a not-great Year 8, 9, 10…

My grades at uni completely dropped off, but I didn’t care because I was having so much fun.”

Michael made lots of good friends there, who he still keeps in touch with today.

“I met a bunch of guys that I still catch up with on a weekly basis.

My industry is 80% who you know, so having [a good professional network] has been quite beneficial.”

One of Michael’s favourite parts of university was the absence of certain social norms that prevailed in school.

“People don’t care about cliques and shit at uni…”

Losing Brian

Michael’s positive university experience was then suddenly overshadowed by the passing of his close friend Brian.*

“2018 was the year that Brian died.

I went from riding the high of the first two years of uni, to the whole world falling apart and losing a close friend.

Things became very real… it was like, ‘your childhood is now over, this is real life… no more fucking around.”

Michael recalls Beyond Blue fundraisers and talks at school. At the time, Michael had some level of interest, but he hadn’t yet been personally struck by the effects of suicide.

“I was always intrigued… I would always listen… but I never really attached myself to it because it never occurred to me that [suicide] could happen to anyone.

I hate that it had to happen for me to [start paying attention to it]. 90% of my mates have the same stance…

If I could go back that would be one thing I’d change.

If we could have all learned more and listened more as younger kids, could we have saved a few lives? Maybe…”

There was a particular moment after Brian’s funeral that is especially poignant for Michael, as it was an opportunity to reconcile something from his past.

“After [Brian] died there was a service at our old school for any old scholars that were interested.

We posted about the service on an Old Scholar’s Facebook page and said, ‘[the school] is putting this thing on for us… if any of you want to come out, feel free to join us.

One kid joined our friendship group [at the service], and it was a kid that I picked on in Year 10.”

The other former student attending the service created an opportune moment for Michael.

“We had a really long chat afterwards… we were very emotional. For one kid to show up who wasn’t even close with Brian or any of us, meant a lot.

We were all having drinks that night and invited him to join us… we had a great night.

I sat there and apologised for how I treated him when we were younger. I was so stubborn and mean for no reason.

To see an expression change and a new friendship formed after an apology was new for me.

Recognising that I was a bully is why my mentality changed. That day flicked a switch to think positively about other people and pay compliments. Once you do that, it inspires other healthy thoughts that effect your work and your family. It’s worked for me.”

Grieving

Michael took time off uni to process the events.

“[Losing Brian] shook everything up.

I took 6 months off uni… everyone took time off everything. It was so bad that I couldn’t focus. There was no way I could do university work.

I went to my tutor and said, ‘Look, this has happened, I’m going to take time off.

The uni was really good with it.

[The uni] pushed for counselling, but as a juvenile, I thought, ‘I don’t want to talk to a random person about this. I can talk to my friends, and if I really need, my family… But I would only speak to one of my brothers and my Mum about it.”

The days and weeks following Brian’s passing were heart-wrenching, but Michael sees his emotions at the time as part of a normal grieving process.

“Mentally I was fine at the time… I was sad but I wasn’t depressed. There’s a big difference between being depressed and being sad.

I think I’ve been depressed, but at the time I wasn’t.

[But] it was still a shitty time in our lives.”

Michael leaned on his mum a lot during that time.

“When Brian died, my Mum was the first person I called, and she could tell straight away from the tone of my voice.

I came home and sat with her for two hours and cried.

My mum was my rock at the time, and she still is.”

While taking a break from studies, Michael and his friends rallied together to support each other.

“The people that I started uni with… who I started surrounding myself with… we became this big family and when it happened, no one wanted to be alone because that’s when the negative thoughts would come in.

We didn’t know what to do as a group… We all stayed in one of our friend’s basements for a week. Her parents would cook us breakfast and we’d hang out.

The experiences made with that group were so valuable.

I made so many good friendships that will last a lifetime.”

In the days and weeks after Brian’s passing, there was a lot of reflection.

“The whole red flag thing… There were so many that we didn’t pick up on, that we sat there afterwards thinking, ‘How did we not pick up on this?’

We were processing how we didn’t pick up on [the signs] prior.

When you’re alone with those thoughts after something like that happens, it’s a very cold, scary environment to find yourself in.

But I think over the past five years I’ve come to realise that you can’t expect anyone to pick up on it. Sometimes you don’t know what people are thinking.

We were a bit harsher on ourselves back then than we are now.”

(You can read about Noah’s* experience of losing Brian, here)

Michael’s experience with losing Brian has made him a passionate advocate for public mental health campaigns.

“I spoke at my workplace’s RUOK Day morning tea, which was great, but sitting there listening to one of my work friends say, ‘Are you okay?’ and then laugh about it… It made me think, ‘What the fuck is the point of this? You just want the cake that is being handed out.’

So, one of the things we did at my work was to try and make more out of it.

I opened up in front of 45 staff… I shared my experience and what I’d been through… sitting on the verge of tears.

You could watch their faces change from, ‘Here’s the corporate cupcake, I hope you’re doing alright,’ to, ‘Wow, this is what it’s actually about.’

I had three people from the crowd come up to me afterwards and say, ‘I’ve been through something similar and it’s refreshing to hear someone put some context behind how people might actually be feeling.”

When discussing mental health campaigns, Michael emphasises the point of making your actions meaningful.

“I’m very much about the Beyond Blue and RUOK Day movements… But I was listening to a podcast with two other mates who were talking about it, and they said that RUOK Day is great on paper but unless you actually care or are there for people you care about, it doesn’t mean as much as people might think.

So, check in on your mates and ask if they’re okay, but follow up and actually care for someone.

You don’t know the difference you can make if you actually listen and care for people… Or think positively behind people’s back, which people don’t do nearly enough of… Or say nice things about people instead of putting people down.”

Panic Attacks

Michael’s early adulthood was also when he first experienced a mental health condition – panic attacks. The first time Michael had one, it caught him by surprise.

“The first panic attack I ever had, I thought I was having a schizophrenic episode or a nightmare, but they’re actually quite common.

I was at my ex-girlfriend’s house in her car, and I disassociated immediately. I was out of it… I thought I was locked into my own brain.

There’s not much I can remember except this sense of panic and dread.

At the start [the panic attacks] took a toll because I didn’t know what was happening.

I’ve since learned about what [panic attacks] actually are.”

Panic attacks are an anxiety-related condition that result in a sudden episode of intense fear and discomfort. They include physiological symptoms such as shortness of breath, dizziness, numbness in the extremities, and a racing heart.

These days, Michael is better at recognising the signs of a panic attack, even though they aren’t gone altogether.

“In the panic attacks I’ve had since, I can pick up when it starts and what is happening [at the time].

When it happens, I’ll sweat up and my walking will speed up, because my body is telling me, ‘Just get out, get out, get out.’

It only ever happens these days when I’m in the shopping centre getting my groceries… It’s something about [those environments] in particular.

It’s because there are so many people around… I worry that people are watching me or staring at me.

When it first started happening, I’d turn back around, put everything back and walk out.

It’s kind of scary, but over time they are becoming less common. I’m not as anxious as I used to be, but it’s a tough one.

I’m never in a shop browsing, [but] it doesn’t get to the point where I have to leave now. It still sets me off occasionally, but I don’t feel scared… I just let it happen.”

Healthy Habits

Part of Michael’s adjustment to Brian’s passing included reflections about his own life and how he wants to live.

“[I] realised we aren’t bulletproof, and we are all going to die eventually.

People started moving on, and I decided I needed to start thinking more positively and getting into a routine.”

The first thing that improved Michael’s habits was having regular work hours and waking up at the same time every day.

“Setting a routine was probably the best thing that has come out of leaving uni [and entering the workforce].

A lot of people have spoken about it, and I’ve heard it in podcasts before – waking up at the same time each day is so beneficial for your sleep and your day-to-day health and mental clarity.

I used to work in night clubs, so I’d end up going to bed at 4am on Sunday and waking up at 2pm.”

Even though Michael had started having a regular wake-up time, the changes were gradual.

“When Brian died, we were at an age where we were becoming more exposed to drug use.

I was very anti-drug use as I thought drugs might have had something to do with [his passing]… and in a sense, it did. One of the red flags was increased drug use and some of the messages he sent.

Quite a few of my mates were intrigued by it before I was… Despite [what happened to Brian], everyone started using drugs. I was always anti-party drug use… That was until I tried it and really enjoyed it.”

While the partying persisted for a while, Michael added to his healthy habits by starting to change his diet too. Michael had wanted to lose weight for a long time but hadn’t been able to make the changes stick.

“I’d be lying in bed, and I’d watch a two-minute motivational video and I’d be like, ‘I’m getting up early tomorrow, I’m going to go for a run, I’m going to go for a walk, I’m going to lift some weights.”

However, there was a particular video where someone was unable to walk up a set of stairs, and this struck him particularly hard.

“That one really got me. The next day I locked in… I weighed myself on the scales, but the limit on the scales was 160kg, and I weighed over that. I hadn’t weighed myself for 4 years… so I thought the scales were broken because they were old.

I kept weighing myself in case I was just over 160kg. Eventually, a couple of weeks later I was under 160kg, and it took my weight, so I was like, ‘Oh my god, that’s actually how much I weigh.

This thought of ‘anyone can die in an instant’ became, ‘let’s look after ourselves a bit better’, which became ‘you need to lose a lot more weight or you’ll die much earlier than you’d like to.’”

This kick-started what became a significant change in Michael’s physical health.

“I started eating really clean. I was about 168kg at my heaviest, and now I’m 105kg. The first 6 months, I dropped 30kg.A lot of that was because the diet I had before was really bad. Once I stopped eating like that, [the weight] was falling off by itself… I wasn’t working out at all [at that point].

I was so addicted to [the dietary changes] working that I just kept doing it and doing it.

It got to the point where I wanted to buy new clothes, but I couldn’t… I had to go to [cheap clothing stores] because every time I’d buy new jeans, they’d become way too loose, so I stopped buying clothes unless I lost more weight.”

At the time, Michael was following a keto diet, which he now has mixed feelings about.

“I did keto for 6 months… it was hell.

Ketosis isn’t necessarily good for you… It’s good if you want to lose weight but you don’t feel very healthy because you have very low energy levels.

When I started working out, I knew it wasn’t going to work well as a long-term diet. It’s actually pretty draining trying to work out with no carbs in your system.”

Partying

Eventually, Michael started re-assessing his alcohol and drug intake, too.

“I wasn’t binging on it or going across two days, but it was really unhealthy for the body but also the mind.

Eating clean is beneficial for both too, but at the time it was much more for my body.

While we were going out and drinking and partying every weekend, the mental [side] was probably slipping a bit. The drinking probably unlocked past thoughts or a sense of unhappiness or a lack of fulfilment.

There were a couple of nights where we’d go out, come home at 2 or 3am, and I’d just sit there and cry. It would happen randomly, then it ramped up.

My partner at the time picked up on it. I thought maybe I should stop going out, stop socialising, stop drinking… I was always going out or going to a nightclub.”

The partying lifestyle culminated in what was to be a turning point for Michael.

“[The crying] happened three times in a row. There was one particular night when I came back to the house, and I had a massive breakdown.

I came home, found all the alcohol in the house and started sipping away at it. I put the TV on, blasted music and wailed in tears.[My ex-partner] came home from work and found me, and she messaged a couple of my mates to come over and help her sort out the situation.

The next morning, I felt so bad and decided it was bad, and I needed to stop. So, I switched on and helped myself out of that.”

Fortunately, Michael didn’t find it too difficult to further changes to his lifestyle.

“I didn’t find it as hard to stop… a lot of that was just drinking less and going out less. The fact that I’d already had a health kick and lost some weight… I knew I’d had a mentality switch in the past and could do it again.

Thinking back, my eating was probably an addiction, but the drug use wasn’t a form of addiction… There were times I didn’t need to be drinking or taking drugs at a nightclub, but negative thinking might have been popping up.”

At the time, Michael didn’t consider getting professional mental health support.

“I was of the belief that I didn’t want to be talking to random people about my feelings… that was the way that I felt. It’s somewhat the way that I still currently feel.

[Fortunately], I don’t have these feelings very often anymore and it’s never been that bad since.”

Support Networks

Michael credits his support network with helping him get through such a difficult time, in particular his mum.

“The people I surrounded myself with were all the right people.

My mum was a big one… I’d like to think my mum doesn’t know about my drug use, but she was my age once… who knows?

My mum is a doctor, so she’s been through things others might not have gone through… she’s seen it in families and in patients, and she understands things from a [mental health] perspective.

The mental connections she has with us are probably a bit more advanced than what dad might have with us [siblings].

She always seems to have time and keeps it quite real. If things need to be said, she’ll say them.”

Michael has found his mother’s support particularly valuable due to the family history of his brother’s mental health challenges.

“I go to my mum a lot with my feelings because I saw how my dad had changed after my brother went through [the bullying].

When my brother went through that, his relationship with my dad was terrible and there was a lot of blame from my brother towards my dad.

Dad tried his best to do everything he could, and once my brother started feeling more positive, they were on much better terms.

But now when my dad speaks to my brother, there are zero expectations and a lot more love because he’s scared to tarnish the relationship again.”

However, Michael feels that the relationship dynamic between him and his father is quite different.

“That’s not how he speaks to me or my other siblings, which is why when I go to family dinners, I limit conversation with my Dad because there’s so much more expectation behind his words.

When I talk to my Mum there’s so much more thought and care. That’s not to say my dad doesn’t think or care… I love my Dad, and he loves me… He was amazing and gave me everything growing up.

However, me feeling terrible at school, being overshadowed by my brother’s experience at school, and my Dad putting his energy into that and putting me on the back burner…

It’s a shitty way for me to feel… but there are times when I go to family dinner, and I don’t say a word. I can tell Mum is sitting there thinking, ‘fuck, something’s wrong with him.’ There’s not, I just get anxious and don’t want to say anything in case it leads to an argument that I don’t want to be a part of.”

Despite these tensions, Michael still tries to remind himself to put things into perspective.

“At the end of the day, I have a dad who loves me and I’m not going to take anything for granted.

I’m sure he’s just doing the best he can to look after everyone.”

Continuing the Health Journey

Michael has continued his physical health push, but the approach has changed over time.

“The initial push was the keto diet, but then it plateaued. It was COVID, and we went overseas to America for a few weeks.

It went from a full diet to not having a choice where we had to eat fast food for every meal… so I gained quite a bit of it back.

If you go back to a normal diet after [eliminating] carbs you put a lot of weight on but it’s the healthy thing to do, especially if you want to work out, you need to have the carbohydrates stored in your body.

So, I had a second push with ketosis, but I realised that I needed to start working out to feel healthier, not just be skinnier.”

Michael noticed that when he ceased the keto diet and went back to including carbs it wasn’t just the improved ability to work out that he appreciated.

“Mentally I’m now in a much better space, which has probably been the last year and a half.

It’s also unsurprisingly the length of time I’ve been with my current partner.

But a lot of that is because of my routine, how I work out and what I eat on a day-to-day basis.

My running and the gym have really helped my mental health. It’s so good when you want to get your mind off something too.

When you’re occupied by what’s in front of you, regardless of whatever you’re thinking about before, your mind starts chasing what your body is doing. I’ve found that really interesting.”

Michael has found this to be a useful strategy to keep in mind for his mental health.

“I used this last year when I was feeling some form of anxiety… I locked into a footy drill, and I was able to switch back off.

That’s something I’d encourage people to try.”

In terms of professional support for mental health, Michael has not been keen to try it in the past, mostly because of seeing his brother’s slow, non-linear mental health recovery, despite having the support available to him.

“From the point where we realised something was wrong [with my brother’s mental health] to the point it became better… it took a long time to see an uptick.”

However, Michael has reflected on this more in recent times. While he is still unsure about whether he’d utilise professional support in the future, he has come to a more nuanced view of utilising psychologists or psychiatrists.

“Now that I’ve grown up a bit, it’s something I’d consider if I thought I needed to [see a psychologist or psychiatrist].

We had a party [at my house] once where a friend’s ex-partner explained how beneficial her psychologist was, and I’d never heard someone besides my brother speak about it.

And I thought, maybe I’ve been naive as to not ask people if they’ve had good experiences with their psychologist. Since then, it’s been, ‘it was great, it was fantastic.’”

Michael has also had reflections on how seeing a psychologist could have helped him in the past.

“My thought process until recently was that I’d never see [a psychologist]… but looking back now, if I had an external party [available] to talk to, I probably should have done it when I was a bit younger… When I was in that party phase… Post-Brian dying, post-weeks of sadness into the dark thoughts at 2am…

If I’d been more open-minded as a younger adult, seeing [a psychologist] would have been a smart thing to do, but I think I did alright without one.

But if I needed the help, I’d be the first person to ask. I’m reading a lot of books that suggest that talking to anyone at all… be it your friends, family or a psychologist is beneficial in itself.”

These days, Michael is feeling well, a large part of which he attributes to his relationship.

“Mentally I’m doing very well at the moment. A lot of that has to do with my partner, who is my everything and my number one priority. Without [my relationship with her] I don’t know where I’d be.

I feel so comfortable being able to share with her and talk to her… I’ve never really been able to feel vulnerable with a partner and she is someone I can very openly feel vulnerable with.”

Michael’s brother is doing much better, too.

“[My brother] is doing fantastic, too. He’s living in Sydney, living his life and working a job that he loves.”

Ultimately, Michael is grateful he was able to overcome the adversities he faced in his teenage years and early adulthood.

“[I’ve] been through a bit and have been lucky enough for everything to be positive on the other end.”